Hey,
Since this is my first blog i might as well start getting personal. Well, sometimes i feel as if i can't necessarily find the right words or outlet to say what i feel. Like something is always holding me back from pursuing the things i want to say. It always happen when i really contemplate on my thoughts about my life and why it has come to what it is. Don't get me wrong i have a fantastic life at the moment, i have great friends/business partners who are always there for me and i am growing attached to them quickly. I have many, many things going on with me at the moment [ those of you who knows me, know that.] i am not even going to get into that. Let's just say that i have 4 jobs, plus my writing, and running the NYC Socialites with my business partner. I have yet to discussed the reason for my blog, which is getting under my skin.
I have realized that i am wounded, bruised but not broken. I am hurt deeply, immensely to the point where i can't hurt anymore because hurt is a norm for me. I've been through a few relationships in my past and i don't regret any of them [except for that one.....] yea, none of them. I learned a lot from those encounters and it has drastically changed me to the person i am today. But why is it when you get someone new in your life that everything else that you felt, all of the pain, heartache, hurt, comes back and you push this person away. Like i can't give affection to someone at the moment... why? i have no idea!!! That's the thing!!! I really don't .. i can't help but not to... then i think am i bad for feeling this way? Am i? Like yea i have been through some shit [who hasn't] but it comes a time in your life when you need to throw that shit away and let it GO. Which in this case for some reason i can't.
I can't get over certain that has traumatized me until this day. It hurts to talk about this until this day, 10 years ago the inevitable happen.....The day i was molested. Which was a dark and very cold moment of my sorted past that will always, always be apart of me. Which fucking hurts ... So much because i am allowing it to get under my skin and force me to not let anyone in and not trust anyone after so many people i gave my fucking all to and it went no where. I wish i wasn't like this, under the image of being a "Socialite" and the many drinks.....Lies this person unmasked, who is tormented by his demons and fears of getting hurt once more.
They say that there is someone out there for everyone and i believe so, but when that person comes along will i be ready for him? Or will he be just another figment of my imagination that forces me to stay guarded in order to protect myself and never breaking down my wall in order to see the Man Unmasked.
At this point i can just leave my fate in god hands and hope for the best. I stay focus on work , family, friends, but most of all i focus on me and my pursuit of happiness. I am destined to find that someone to open that wound and be the first to start healing it in some facet, the question is when?
